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[ collective ]
[ 12.29.04 - 02:07 ]

what made me think i'm any different now. i'm still the same as i always was, i still have the same exact flaws. i'm too hard on myself. this isn't the same flaw i've always had... it's just something that i really need to figure out. i really need to think about, because i don't know what to do. i don't want to be crushed, and i don't want to hide again. i just want to be happy. and i have been happy, but i'm greedy with happiness. and i always need more.

What I miss most about being a real person is being useful. I’m a collective collaboration of everyone I’ve ever met. Me? Unique? Special? Rare? Pffft. Not really. Nobody is what they make themselves out to be. Everybody is what the people in their lives make them out to be.
You’re nothing until somebody else makes you useful. I’m nothing until somebody else makes me somebody, something, anything. The worst part about it is this... addiction of wanting to be something more... Just a little bit more. And when you get that little bit more... before you know it it's already all funneled into your vein, it's already packed up your nose. And then it starts all over. You want a little bit more. Make me something you can't dismiss, make me something you can't live without. Make me something you can't stand to lose. Give me it all, give me everything. Put the world in my hand. Come on, just a little bit

more more more more more more more

i kind of just wished i was wanted by one person in general. i could give a fuck about everybody else, i never cared if they wanted me around or not. those people needed me, to make them money... to run their shit for them. i just want to be happy. i just wanna be happy. i just wish i wasn't everybodys tool to make their lives easier. i just wish i was someone special to someone special. i used to be a quick piece of ass, and it always made me feel better to be someone novelty. i dont want to be a novelty, i dont want to be a quick meal, i want to be something more. i just want to be just enough to be special. i want just enough to be special enough.

i'm tired of feeling alone.
i'm tired of being afraid.
i'm sad because i don't know why
i'm sad because i don't know why.

http://www.livejournal.com/piaculum